The Big Payback.

Well, Well, Well....

Hello there and a special welcome back to my lovely biscotti hotties and biscotti brothers.

Depending on what time you're reading this blog? Grand Rising, Good Afternoon and Great Evening to you all. This is your Sipper in Chief, y'all girl KayTwicee. Y'all already know who it is, what it is and what it ain't.

Welcome back to the Kafe.

Thank you for joining me for this evening's entry. I hope you all are excited as I am to get back into another update with you all...cause I got some stuff to say.

I know it's been a minute since I've reflected with you all per my blog; but, just let me live. As a matter of fact? Nahhhh. Miss me with that. Let me remind you all who the f*ck I am. Because I keep it real cute on my podcasts. So without further ado? Let's get raunchy.

I'm back. Bow down b*tches.

Kay, where you been? I've been thuggin' with my team, h*e.

For starters, let's just get it out there that Florida A&M for sure had given me a run for my student loans this summer. Block placement was a headache and a half for the entirety of the summer. And the little downtime I did have? I spent time working on new ideas in order to come hard with the Renae's Kafe overall look and launch. So, you're welcome.

Your girl had been working f*cking non-stop just like Drizzy attempting to maintain my sanity while juggling two internships + class EVERY week, the Renae's Kafe brand of course (second episode of my podcast and my linktree is UP), moving/transitioning to my new spot (move in day is August 18th and I have nothing but a shower curtain, coffee items and twelve items in my amazon cart), taking my iron pills for my chronic iron deficiency (that I'm sure I didn't take today. whew. It's fine, I have time), maintaining ascension symptoms, dealing with my duality, financials, trying to get my skin & abs back right, dealing with being home for almost FIVE MONTHS and last but not least, you guessed it....my relationships.

I have been re-evaluating work relationships, friendships, situation-ships (of course) and even family; but its all gravy. Things went way better than I expected while going thru these individuality growing pains. I believe all of this is what took me so long to really sit with myself and to actually focus on my blog. Going through all of these changes were a direct result of either:

a) made me feel like I was having an anxiety attack

b) made me talk or think about things that eventually would lead me to uncomfortable decisions and pessimistic thought processes; leading to severe attitudes and mood swings

c) had me undermining & questioning myself and my self-worth

d) attempting to relax and get back on my grind for a short period of time only to end up stressing and overthinking again.

or

e) all of the above; simultaneously.

Let's just say I was in a terrible head-space. I didn't allow myself to heal, think or move properly amidst the environmental changes that was constantly happening before me. To be real with y'all, a n*gga honestly felt like I was in between an episode of survivor and a really sad romantic comedy that doesn't have a happy ending trying to navigate through this transitional journey. And that sh*t was going downhill QUICKLY.

Okay, maybe that was a bad description. Or, maybe it totally made sense cause someone usually eventually wins something at the end in the end; and luckily in this case I did. What about the old show WIPE-OUT as an example? I feel like that's better. Cause if you lost on wipe-out? You just lost n*gga. You don't advance unless you win the course and move on to the next round. So yeah, this is a perfect example. Like....the GIF below was ACTUALLY was me.

Yeah....way better example. The sh*t is pretty sick when I go back and reflect on it. But I'm good now. So let's move on to the good sh*t shall we?

The Good Stuff.

*here is a sh*t talking warning cause in this part? It's coming. Didn't wanna throw y'all off.

So, I would say that experiencing and reflecting back on the circumstances that I have endured over the past five months (h*ll, over the past YEAR AND A HALF) has made me into a better person for SURE. I have gained more professional, social and individualistic perspectives, learned more about what I like and what I will NOT go for as a twenty-tree year old young lady and I have also observed a lot about the individuals that I have subjected myself to being around over this transitional period that I have encountered.

If you are not aware (even though I'M SURE most of you all are) I was in BAD shape around this time last year. Like, I was DOWN tf bad you hear meh? On some Death Enclaimed type sh*t.

Experiencing symptoms and believing there was prevalence of diagnose-able illnesses, experiencing embarrassment, negative cogitation and hopelessness above all happiness was more than enough for me to give up on the world.I felt like that the environment around me had came crashing down like Lil Wayne and Eminem song "Drop The World". I felt like a failure.Like anything that could possibly go wrong? Went WRONG. In result, I placed myself in isolation thinking that would lessen my prolonged feelings of sadness while simultaneously participating in activities that would undoubtedly aid my issue rather rapidly; but of course, that didn't work doing that bs at the same. I was lowkey spiraling...all due to myself utilizing horrible coping mechanisms in order to deal with real life problems I thought I would never go through. I honestly had the "that sh*t will never happen to me" syndrome (just like most of these parents have the "not my child" syndrome right until something happens to them or their child and they're forced to face reality) because I was FAMU cheer captain, I was about to graduate, I had a wonderful/known family in my hometown area and I always was sure to stay on top of academics....so nothing could touch me, right? I never outright said or thought it, but it was always implied that I was invincible based on my upbringing. So, when everything went crashing down around me... I was already under the impression that I knew I had to mentally prepare myself for what was to come after things had died down. I knew that people talked and we're going to talk and I was cool with it at first. It was bound to happen; we all know that....so I wasn't trippin' about it at first. But what I was NOT prepared for (that hurt me the most tbh) was that most of you all that I considered family, tight acquaintances, some of us that even had unbreakable bonds back in the days of my younger years...I found out that a good number of y'all motherf*ckers were the main ones who were talking cash money trash about me and swore to GOD that I wasn't going to find out that sh*t. You dirty dogs drug all of my business up and through the mud even though you had the SLIGHTEST clue as to what even lead up to my situation in the first place, but STILL had the audacity to smile in my face and act like everything was all good. Y'all n*ggas STILL was jocking me on social media. Trying to gas and hype me up...even get in good with my moms to figure out more information to do with it what you please at your leisure (even though her nor I never went with the fake sh*t anyway....just played your game and told you what you wanted to hear in the process to test your loyalty. We seen the outcome of that now. lol). Most of y'all STILL have the audacity to run around Gainesville and Tallahassee wearing slides with no socks and sport these crooked a*s lace fronts with forced a*s baby hairs and the BAYYANGS looking for hand-outs because Trump ain't send out that second stimulus. You also still have the audacity to try and befriend me, my mother and other close persons in my family and still don't know that I knew what you said and did behind my back...all because you thought I wasn't going to find out, but I did. Suprise b*tch. It's good though; I handled you all accordingly and spirit will handle the rest; word to the HoodHealer.

On the other hand? I treated all of you no differently because I had found myself. I prayed more, meditated to the fullest. Began to become a little bit more disciplined with my grounding mechanisms. I also had what most didn't have: a strong support system. My real ones stuck with me even when I f*cked up because they knew would bounce back. They gave a f*ck about me when I didn't give a f*ck about myself. They pushed me to have a "continue on and trust God" mentality if you will; in order to learn from the mistakes that I made instead of continuing to dwell on the negatives and stay down. With them and a few key others that I had no idea who would support me when it really came down to it (which I am forever grateful to them all : y'all know who y'all are) really stayed on me until I came back to me. And now, I'm in my administrative Macro year of my second internship within FAMU'S MSW program. I still continued to press on and even put myself out there transparently to the world by coming out with Renae's Kafe. I honestly didn't think I would be here and now...here I am. Feeling like Rick Ross. Home from FAMU with a gorgeous face.

I honestly think that this ascension period I went through and this newfound corona plague is all about. To reflect. To find yourself in order to realize what you true passion or hustle is; word to Neighborhood Nip. Sitting your dumb a*s down in order to study the environment before and around you. To truly get the chance to BE in the mind of your own. Becoming who we all are destined to be. And I am not afraid to say that I took my focus off of myself. That I took my eyes off of God. That I was so used to just going through motions at one point in time that I've never stopped to realize my underlying trauma that I refused to address. To understand my goals and what I want them to be. To realize my purpose. But this moment right now makes it so much more special; because I have another chance to prove myself wrong every single day apposed to me still possibly being in critical condition. I was born again and I am eternally grateful for my Lord and ancestors above for giving me another chance to change the world. And that's exactly what I plan to do from this day forward.

Wrap It Up Den.

I hope you all enjoyed the read...because there is plenty more to come. Considering that my move in date is near and a new semester will begin soon? Consistency will thrive soon after this transitional period. So as always;

Bare with me, Keep your eyes on my IG page and More content is on the way. Soon Come.

Love and Light

-K.